A decade later...
So here we are almost a decade later trying to have a baby. It's funny because I've always lied about my age mainly because when I used to tell people my age they used to gasp and can't even believe it. I guess I'm lucky in the sense that I look about 10 years younger. I even lied to myself thinking if I lie to myself about my age maybe it will keep me from ever looking older and it has worked so far. Unfortunately with fertility with age you cannot lie or trick the body. Your body knows exactly how old you are and what your body has been through.
So as the years went by in reality I had just given up hope. Some friends and family would ask me if everything was ok and when we were having kids and I would just respond by saying yes we are fine we are still thinking about having kids. Although it was always on my mind I didn't want to share this information with anyone. It was so private to us but at the same time I was starting to feel angry. Not necessarily at my husband for having azoospermia because I knew it was not his fault. But I was starting to get very angry and bitter that he did not want to do anything about this issue. I started to think he was very selfish and I as a fool for letting this go on for so long. I still kept it inside it was almost like I had accepted my destiny, that I was going to be a childless woman and would become the favourite aunt (which I am by the way lol). Of course my nieces and nephews give me so much joy and they fulfill me in so many ways but I always wanted to be a mom and cried at the fact that no one would call me their mommy. I didn't realize until recently that I was drinking a lot I would say drinking a lot of wine at least 2 times a week until I was drunk and I felt "happy" until the buzz wore out. I also started to dabble with some cannabis edibles which of course made me happy for the moment but also really didn't last long. I also found myself mom shaming my sister and cousin I always found myself saying "If that was my child I would do this or that" geez that's terrible. I guess it was all hidden emotions that were so deep that I didn't even recognize how bitter I had gotten.
So about 2 years ago my husband ran into one of his cousins that had mentioned that him and his wife had gone to a great fertility clinic and they were successful in having twins. My husband was quite excited about this news and mentioned that we should look into it. Considering my husband had never wanted to talk about this situation again I was quite surprised that he had mentioned it. Of course I immediately contacted the fertility clinic and decided to make an appointment. We once again had to go through all the same tests including a sperm test from my husband. Once again the test came back NIL zero sperm. I was quite disappointed I guess I hoped that somehow there would have been some now after all of this time but that was not the case. This fertility clinic doctor said since we were in our 40's we really didn't have time to pinpoint what was causing this NIL sperm. He insisted and suggested that we just go straight for the TESA. Basically stands for Testicular Epididymal Sperm Aspiration meaning a biopsy of testicular tissue. Needless to say my husband was pale as a ghost as we left the office. He once again was adamant about proceeding with this procedure.
When we arrived home I asked him what he thought about the procedure and he said he was not going to do it that it was "his body". I just lost it at that moment I broke down crying telling him it's my life too! And I wanted to have a baby it's a big deal and we have been waiting too long! I told him he was being selfish and that he is ruining my life by not trying at least. I was practically begging him and I might have mentioned that if he doesn't try I would most likely not want to be with him anymore. I just couldn't. Some may find it hard to understand why I accepted this for so long. I guess it's because I truly love my husband. I met my husband when I was 16 years old. He was my first and only love my first kiss my first everything. He truly is my best friend and he is a wonderful person although a tad selfish and chicken when it comes to operations of any sorts. He is immature I must admit that I guess we both are in our own ways. But I can't blame him entirely I also wasted time in not even insisting or expressing myself to him. I instead began to accept this situation and found other ways to keep myself busy. I am self employed and instead of thinking about fertility I was buried in my work and planning on purchasing properties, travelling and just planning a childless life. So with my cries and pleads my husband said yes that he would try TESA and he would do anything to make me happy. I can't believe I didn't express myself before maybe we wouldn't have wasted a decade of emptiness.
So as the years went by in reality I had just given up hope. Some friends and family would ask me if everything was ok and when we were having kids and I would just respond by saying yes we are fine we are still thinking about having kids. Although it was always on my mind I didn't want to share this information with anyone. It was so private to us but at the same time I was starting to feel angry. Not necessarily at my husband for having azoospermia because I knew it was not his fault. But I was starting to get very angry and bitter that he did not want to do anything about this issue. I started to think he was very selfish and I as a fool for letting this go on for so long. I still kept it inside it was almost like I had accepted my destiny, that I was going to be a childless woman and would become the favourite aunt (which I am by the way lol). Of course my nieces and nephews give me so much joy and they fulfill me in so many ways but I always wanted to be a mom and cried at the fact that no one would call me their mommy. I didn't realize until recently that I was drinking a lot I would say drinking a lot of wine at least 2 times a week until I was drunk and I felt "happy" until the buzz wore out. I also started to dabble with some cannabis edibles which of course made me happy for the moment but also really didn't last long. I also found myself mom shaming my sister and cousin I always found myself saying "If that was my child I would do this or that" geez that's terrible. I guess it was all hidden emotions that were so deep that I didn't even recognize how bitter I had gotten.
So about 2 years ago my husband ran into one of his cousins that had mentioned that him and his wife had gone to a great fertility clinic and they were successful in having twins. My husband was quite excited about this news and mentioned that we should look into it. Considering my husband had never wanted to talk about this situation again I was quite surprised that he had mentioned it. Of course I immediately contacted the fertility clinic and decided to make an appointment. We once again had to go through all the same tests including a sperm test from my husband. Once again the test came back NIL zero sperm. I was quite disappointed I guess I hoped that somehow there would have been some now after all of this time but that was not the case. This fertility clinic doctor said since we were in our 40's we really didn't have time to pinpoint what was causing this NIL sperm. He insisted and suggested that we just go straight for the TESA. Basically stands for Testicular Epididymal Sperm Aspiration meaning a biopsy of testicular tissue. Needless to say my husband was pale as a ghost as we left the office. He once again was adamant about proceeding with this procedure.
When we arrived home I asked him what he thought about the procedure and he said he was not going to do it that it was "his body". I just lost it at that moment I broke down crying telling him it's my life too! And I wanted to have a baby it's a big deal and we have been waiting too long! I told him he was being selfish and that he is ruining my life by not trying at least. I was practically begging him and I might have mentioned that if he doesn't try I would most likely not want to be with him anymore. I just couldn't. Some may find it hard to understand why I accepted this for so long. I guess it's because I truly love my husband. I met my husband when I was 16 years old. He was my first and only love my first kiss my first everything. He truly is my best friend and he is a wonderful person although a tad selfish and chicken when it comes to operations of any sorts. He is immature I must admit that I guess we both are in our own ways. But I can't blame him entirely I also wasted time in not even insisting or expressing myself to him. I instead began to accept this situation and found other ways to keep myself busy. I am self employed and instead of thinking about fertility I was buried in my work and planning on purchasing properties, travelling and just planning a childless life. So with my cries and pleads my husband said yes that he would try TESA and he would do anything to make me happy. I can't believe I didn't express myself before maybe we wouldn't have wasted a decade of emptiness.
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